A Friendly Visit

(The Lifeguard enters Algernon’s Morning-room, accompanied by Lane, the sound of someone munching on cucumber sandwiches can be faintly heard in the adjacent room)

Lane: I am sorry my master is not in at present, would you like to leave a card and call again later?

Lifeguard: “I ain’t ready” to go yet, I’ll wait for him a little while, got anything to eat?  (171).

Lane: I do wish I could offer you some refreshment sir, but “There were no cucumbers in the market this morning…Not even for ready money,” I’m afraid the best hospitality I can offer is bread and butter (8).

Lifeguard: Better than what they serve in the Disturbed Ward, got anything to drink?

Lane: “I do my best to give satisfaction, sir” (18). And I can in fact offer you some champagne, I assure you that, as Mr. Moncrieff is a bachelor, it is of the finest quality, unlike “married households [where] the champagne is rarely of a first rate brand” (1).

Lifeguard: I don’t know if that’s such a great idea, see “I got picked up for drunk and disorderly” a while back and now I been committed to a ward for “eight years and eight months,” I ain’t been allowed to go back to playin’ football all that time (171).

Lane: How very unfortunate. Sir, I don’t think my master will be in today, as that is the case, perhaps you do not want to wait any longer for him.

Lifeguard: “I’d have left here before now if it was up to me” (171).

Lane: (with a tone of uncertainty) “Yes, sir” (1). (Lane appears to be pondering the Lifeguard’s words intently). Of course it is not my place to ask questions but, sir, you are not making any sense, you are perfectly free to go at any time.

Lifeguard: You have no idea Lane, “I’m about to get real weird with it.”

Lane: I really do not follow your logic, and I must act that you refrain from any weirdness in Mr. Moncrieff’s Morning-room.

Lifeguard: (his eyes begin to glaze over) Too late Lane, “I’m committed” (171). (He starts “spitting numbers and [drops] to all fours in a line stance” (170))

Lane: Sir?

(The Lifeguard charges towards Lane and tackles him to the ground)

Lane: OW! OW! SIR! WHAT… I REALLY… OK… I LIED ABOUT THE CUCUMBERS! ALGY’S IN THE NEXT ROOM …HE’S SO GREEDY WITH THEM I COULDN’T STOP HIM …OW! OW! I MUST ASK YOU TO LEAVE …OW...IMMEDIATELY!

The Elusive Cucumber Sandwiches