In The Office of Final Judgment

Interviewer- Name?

Subject- I’m sure you’ve heard of me, don’t you recognize me?

Interviewer- No, I don’t think you’ve been here before.

Subject- Well, I must say… Perhaps you would recognize a little tune… I don’t suppose you have a piano?

Interviewer- No such luck. If you could just give me your name I can pull up your file.

(Subject draws himself up to his full height and a lengthy pause ensues)

Subject- I am none other than Clive Linley, although between you and me and I do fancy myself “Vaughan Williams’s heir,” you know, the great composer (23).

Interviewer- I see

Subject- Did you note the part about Vaughan Williams? That’s important.

(Subject attempts to peer across desk to read interview notes)

Interviewer- Of course I did, I’m sure they will be very interested in that Upstairs.

Subject- Upstairs? Where are we?

Interviewer- This is the Office of Final Judgment

Subject- I’m afraid I don’t understand. Is this a government office? I really think I should be going now; I have just a few finishing touches for my Symphony. It was commissioned you know, by Parliament; I beat out McCartney for the job.

Interviewer- Mr. Linley…

Subject- Please call me Clive…

Interviewer- Clive, you need to know, you’re dead, and have been for several hours. Now if we can just sort through your records you can move on.

(Subject seems to be at a loss for words)

Interviewer- Now Clive, there seems to be an interesting incident which occurred recently in the Lake District, can you tell me about that?

Subject- Oh… well… not my proudest moment but… had I known… no idea there was a record, an examination at the end…

Interviewer- I find it is safe to assume that there is usually an examination at the end, take AP English 11. If I had neglected my studies throughout the year I hardly could have expected to pass the AP test.

Subject- But as to neglect, I’m not sure that’s entirely fair to say.

Interviewer- You yourself noted that the woman in question was “looking for a stone to use as a weapon,” and yet you declined to interfere, I don’t know how else to describe it but neglect (95).

Subject- Well when you put it that way… How exactly am I being graded?

Interviewer- On a scale of one to nine

Subject- You mean to ten, wouldn’t that make more sense?

Interviewer- It is based on the system of judgment utilized in AP English 11

Subject- What is it with AP English 11? I really don’t see how it is relevant at all.

Interviewer- Neither did I at first, but as the year went on, I saw how it taught me to analyze more than books in class. I found I picked up on subtleties in other books, as well as movies and I found the improvement in my writing skills invaluable. The essays on my other AP tests were a walk in the park in comparison to AP English essays.

Subject- Well I’m glad you’ve worked that out, but can we bring the attention back to me?

Interviewer- Right, so Lakeland?

Subject- But we could talk about AP English 11 some more if you wanted to.

Interviewer- Don’t avoid the question, that is the most important thing you learn in AP English 11, answer the question, if you don’t, you can’t hope to get higher than a 4.

Subject- A FOUR! Are you suggesting that you would give me a FOUR, just because I was avoiding your questions? ABSURD! You know, I didn’t want to appear arrogant but I am “A genius” and geniuses don’t get fours, they get tens, or nines, or whatever is the highest number in your ridiculous system (143)!

Interviewer- Please don’t shout, I’ll have to call security

(Silence)

Interviewer- Clive, you have to talk eventually

(Silence accompanied by dirty look)

Interviewer- (on intercom) we’ve got a difficult one in Interview Room C, can I have a supervisor in here?